Posted on January 4, 2016
It is a bitter pill but one that I cannot leave un-swallowed.
Yesterday I received a message from someone whom I consider more than an acquaintance, but has made it clear that we are not friends. The message was that my actions had reverberated around his echo chamber and came back to me as a message of judgment and warning. It would be intellectually irresponsible to just discard this information as an annoyance or to get angry at it, so I want to use this as a learning moment; release some of the poison in a positive way. A few years back I was given a gift by forces that decided to make themselves known. I was able to interact with energy in a conscious way. I was able to perceive signs that had until then been far less clear. It was as if the world was actively talking to me rather than being surrounded by noise. Dissonant energy would make me sick. Food did more than just satisfy physical hunger it carried energetic weight for better or worse. I used this new found information, intuition, and vision to try to rescue (which I see now as “try to change”)some of those close to me. It was not my place to project into people’s bubble like that unsolicited; Compounded with the history of overindulgence in alcohol these people had already known of me. Frankly if I drank booze I was a jerk, and I drowned both my joy, and my sorrow in alcohol; by this time however I was five months dry. I continue to be alcohol free to this day, two and a quarter years later.
The acquaintance had not seen me since then save for three community events approximately six months apart, the most recent of which was June of 2015. This has given a snapshot of what my motivations would have been if viewed from an outside observer and projected onto a different trajectory. However its hard to see yourself sometimes and I lacked the tools needed to see that I was carrying out certain patterns from trying to recapture the party lifestyle I had committed to so thoroughly. I abruptly got married at twenty-three, almost passive aggressively. Aggressive to the person, to my parents, society, and the concept that there was a path i was supposed to be walking along; the whole american dream thing. I still need to answer for the actions I committed. My only defense was that I was still learning; as I am today.
I believe that my intentions were pure; I also believe that my ego could have been more in control than I wanted to admit. Even now I admit that my ego is the vehicle through which all of my actions are being carried out. I was not trying to do harm but it is a very deeply ingrained condition that I demonstrate my worth by trying to fix things. People are not things.
I feel it necessary to seek a teacher to help me to categorize my methods. I feel the need to swear by some form of the Hippocratic oath so that I may keep in mind that damage can still be done with good intentions; That being granted my privilege is for the good of all, and not the good of my ego.